BLACK LIVES MATTER. Husband, dad, friend. Ally. ASL Interpreter. Doofus. Midvale School for the Gifted alum. Please take my silly tweets extremely personally.

Alabama The Beautiful
Joined April 2009
BREAKING: CDC Sets Quarantine Duration To Seven Mississippi
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can’t. too busy falling down the rabbit hole of possible reasons a flea market is called a flea market
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When your granddaughter says put the hat on, you put the hat on.
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Can someone catch me up on "House of Dragons?" I keep faling asleep during the episodes.
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ADHDean retweeted
What if the rapture did happen yesterday but only like three people in the entire world were raptured?
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ADHDean retweeted
Dentist: okay this might hurt a little. ready? Me: [nods] Dentist: when people act surprised by your age they’re just being nice
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How I know I’m being catfished: •they claim to be interested in me
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ADHDean retweeted
Taco Tuesday begins tonight at sundown
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ADHDean retweeted
My mistresses awarded my brother a gold and a silver. I told him to stop medalling in my affairs.
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ADHDean retweeted
Just fished a toy dino out of the drain with a fork, so now I’m going to charge my kid $125 and wear my pants low
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ADHDean retweeted
I don’t like the person I become when my child asks to color with me but adds doodoo brown to my rainbow kitten masterpiece and completely destroys my creative vision
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ADHDean retweeted
My wife was telling me how happy she is that the baby likes her food so I pointed out that he also likes to eat envelopes and now she’s mad at me for some reason
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ADHDean retweeted
Make lasagna so you can hear your kids complain about dinner one layer at a time.
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Last night my wife sneezed in the kitchen, then moved very quickly through the living room towards the bathroom saying “omg mom sneeze mom sneeze mom sneeze.” I need a dentist appt to make sure the hole I chewed in my tongue to keep my mouth shut is ok…
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ADHDean retweeted
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance. That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
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I'm killing it!* *Every group chat
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Growing up half Mexican and half Irish led to many confusing, risky moments in my childhood -- none more so than when I was nearly killed trying to capture the Chupacabra for its pot of gold.
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Exactly how many garden statues signal that my wife has officially become her mom? Is it five? I feel like it’s five.
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ADHDean retweeted
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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I text you at 3 a.m. to alert you I'm gassy. That's right. A TOOTY call.
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ADHDean retweeted
“Would you survive a zombie apocalypse” Dude, I got covid three times. What do you think?
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