I wanted to go out and change the world but I couldn’t find a babysitter. #Resist

Nearest Disaster Zone
Joined July 2017
Pre-order my new book, “Brian of DC Roofing and Waterproofing in Rocklin, CA Sent Me Dick Pics & Related Tales of the Audacity of Men” on Amazon soon.
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For the first time in the history of forever, I’m speechless. What does it mean? I AM horrible and wild and brilliant and a ridiculous wannabe and a mom and pretty damn sad but I still don’t understand.
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AlwaysAshley retweeted
This picture of chopped hair hoisted as a flag will be the photograph of this century. #IranProtests2022
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AlwaysAshley retweeted
This week's mood.
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AlwaysAshley retweeted
Sorry I didn’t text you back, I was sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of having to plan, purchase, and prepare my meals every day until I die.
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Really struggling with the realization that no matter how much I improve at adulting, it just continues to get harder.
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Me and the boys hanging out at the propane filling station as part of hurricane prep. I have no idea what we’re doing or if my propane tank is even empty. Not even sure it’s a propane tank.
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Oh, well, I wanted a hammock for my birthday, but no, a hurricane would be great, too! Really!
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Me: I’ve got to start being more financially responsible again. Also me: *Buys a hot tub and a Marie Antoinette costume for her cat*
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But what if my cat and I were both Marie Antoinette for Halloween this year?
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Is there such a thing as a sexy executioner costume?
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That’s it, I’m gonna be a guillotine for Halloween this year.
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Has anyone done the “holy fuck, holy fucking fuck, that body of yours is absurd” Adam Levine meme with this yet
Check it out…what’s up with tRump’s rump? 🤓
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AlwaysAshley retweeted
Replying to @BobGolen
I think Math is old enough to start solving its own problems.
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My college-aged son’s care package got delivered to my home by accident and my younger son took it, and now I have to keep knocking on his door and begging for candy that I paid for, like some sort of demented version of trick-or-treating.
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My dog is…not smart…and a very socially awkward rescue. Every attempt to play with him is just uncomfortable and embarrassing for both of us.
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AlwaysAshley retweeted
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can’t believe NONE of my friends have texted me today when i ignore their texts constantly
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biting into the first mozzarella stick
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So lucky to have coworkers who will listen thoughtfully and nod as I say things like, “But the Y in the middle of that word makes it look mean.”
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Me: I’m not sure that I’m a good fit for your client. They don’t seem to like my style of writing. Them: No, that’s not true! They don’t like anyone’s writing. Me: Oh, okay. Again, I’m not sure I’m a good fit for your client. They don’t seem to like anyone’s style of writing.
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