An AA, gay, rainbow-phoenix psychiatrist @UCSFMedicine spreading love + justice throughout the world. Welcome aboard. Views are mine|not med advice πŸ‘‘πŸ’–πŸ¦„.

San Francisco, CA
Joined November 2019
Once upon a time, I wrote about experiences of bigotry in medicine as K.C. Ardem due to fear of retaliation. Now, I write to you using my real name. It's time we take back our voices. Many thanks to @NEJM for publishing this piece. #HumanityIsOurLane nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NE…
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1. In the past 3 days: I've been told I don't support Black people, minoritized people, gay people. That I support homophobes, racists. That I pander to white people. That I haven't helped people. I was called racial slurs by Black people. That all put me in a really dark place.
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2. In the past three days: I was dragged into things not involving me, or how I peripherally interacted with someone. Each time I tried to do the right thing. I attempted to engage. To show I was there to learn and grow, that I was there in good faith.
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3. In the past three days: I was told I don't support minoritized people. I was called a token, when this entire time I put out my trauma to call out systems in my own way. I was told that my thoughts are the dregs of academia. I tried to be kind the entire time. To be gentle.
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4. But it was clear today that there was no good faith conversation to be had. Some did not want a conversation. When I say I was in a dark place, it took me back to medical school and other dark periods. That's all I'll say on that, but I'm doing quite well. Promise.
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5. No matter what I said, I was told I was wrong. I have in the past publicly said I'm wrong, I will do better, and I apologize. I will never stop doing that. I will continually try to do better. I haven't faced this kind of thing in years and it was destructive and vitriolic.
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6. I tried to engage to come to an understanding - I worried if I am a token, if I am a bad person, if I am toxic. I took on everything that was being spewed even as I tried to listen and be graceful. And for some of it I felt alone as some people watched and said nothing.
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7. BUT. People reached out. People stated I was being bullied, and I was acting with grace, and also provided their thoughts and support. I never felt that way. I felt I wasn't doing enough, even as my rational mind was like "You have good insight, you know what they're doing."
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8. So thank you to those people. Thank you for people who sat with me in that darkness the way I've legitimately tried to sit with all of you in your hard periods. Have I been perfect? No. But fuck I have always tried for you all. Including calling out institutions and systems.
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9. Thank you to the people who texted and DM'd. Thank you to the people who called and reached out. That kept me from diving deeper and I'm glad I'm in a better place now where I knew how to hold overall. Thank you to those people who helped. Good gods, thank you.
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10. And I know for 99.9% of you I have been more than enough. But to watch people watch this happen was fracturing. I wanted to scream for someone else to help and say something. Which means that, we once again saw people stay silent, which happens but it doesn't stop the hurt.
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11. It hurts when I wrote articles about my trauma to take on systems to say, "You're all are not alone" then feel in many ways alone. It hurts when I have DM'd many of you, written tweets, tried to craft a place for you all because I fucking love you all.
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12. I got to the point where I blocked them. They did not deserve access to me or who I am when they were calling me those names. I deserved to protect my peace. I deserved to be respected as I continued to respect them. I wish them the best and that they find peace.
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14. I had people I've supported personally block me without asking a single thing about what was going on. I had people unfollow me without taking a step back to think, after two years of reaching out to you, "Maybe these other people are wrong."
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15. I had people unfollow and block without a second thought of, "Huh, these people are spewing really toxic things about someone who has tried to constantly be there." That. Hurts. None of those people reached out to ask what was happening, and it was jarring.
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16. So, I'm done for now. I'm taking a break from this app. A really fucking long break. I'm going to evaluate even if I want to be here after all this was allowed to continue. I need to see if I even want to engage or allow people access to me in the way I've chosen to.
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17. I honestly don't have any more words right now. So I'm done being on this app for now. I hope you know how much I love you all. I wish for the best for all of you and maybe we'll talk in the future. If we don't, I wish you all the magic in the world because I love you.
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18. I will forever love you all. I will eternally be your Black, gay, unicorn-phoenix. I will forever do my very best to foster your hopes. I will eternally do what I can to grow and work - with others - to craft that better world where you all are able to dream.πŸ’–πŸ³οΈβ€πŸŒˆπŸ¦„πŸ”₯🦸🏽✊🏽
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