Writer | Wizard | Eldritch Horror | Public Menace | SUPER MARRIED I stupid but in a cool way

Hell
Joined May 2016
my mornings start by listening to the donkey kong country soundtrack and driving my car directly into a fruit vendor's stand at 200 miles per hour
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How many free samples am I allowed to hoard at costco before I am awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
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inspector ratchet retweeted
the CIA is keeping me from reaching 10k
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i miss the structure my life had when i was a prisoner of war
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white people get mad and say shit like "have at thee!"
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me: [tweeting] i'm just a little butterfly ordering the mcnectar drop at mcdonald's 🙂 whimsy police: [knocking down my door] ON THE FUCKING GROUND, BITCH, HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD. BUTTERFLIES CAN'T ORDER FROM MCDONALDS [sees phone in my pocket] SHES GOT A FUCKING WEAPON [shoots
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I'm being hunted down because I said slim jims are too salty
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Might fuck around and walk through the valley of the shadow of death later, undecided
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this world belongs to girls and bugs
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wow i love ur tweets have u considered becoming a benevolent dictator
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i think u would really get along with the worst version of myself
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wow ur so esoteric can u pls do the dishes
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i literally have no idea what ur talking about. keep up the good work!!
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the world needs more wizards. people should have a healthy fear of being obliterated by a stray fireball when out and about
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if i was pharaoh I would have asked for a smaller pyramid personally. save the slaves some effort. but i guess that unselfish mindset is why i could never be pharaoh. (realising my date is losing interest) have you seen that tiktok where the grandad gets pushed down the stairs,
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i make 700,000 dollars a year publishing video essays called 'The Inhuman Horror Of Ratchet and Clank'
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Everyone in Staten Island seems like they still have a MySpace
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No weapon forged against my dumb ass shall prosper
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I'm praying for your ass at the ancient temple
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that's it. i'm going up on my hind legs
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