Slightly past middle-aged Dad & Husband. Author of my pinned tweet. Go Terps! Literary idiot. Baseball fanatic. 96% humor, 4% other stuff. I'm sarcastic.

Maryland, USA
Joined February 2009
I'm a better attorney than Rudy Giuliani. Also, I'm not an attorney.
1,012
2,778
403
41,691
I called my credit card company to make them aware I'd be traveling this week and any charges as are legit. They said, with a silent smirk, it's not necessary to call when traveling anymore as they continuously monitor charges. Why didn't you guys tell me? 🤷🏻‍♂️ #IFeelOld
57
4
1
117
Note: This is not legal, binding advice. I take no responsibility for anything, ever. 😃
3
26
It's Nobel Prize season. 🤞
16
2
1
67
Based on data (that I made up), 83% of people don't like that new salad dressing they decided to "try" for the first time.
21
3
1
102
PRO TIP for INSTANT WEIGHT LOSS: Put your scale on a carpeted floor when weighing yourself. BONUS TIP: The thicker the carpet padding, the more weight you'll lose. Follow me for more tips. 😃
25
11
171
Yeah, I park crooked and don't straighten up. So what? #Over50Privilege
53
3
114
A former president, who successfully got his followers to storm the Capitol on 1/6, posted that Mitch McConnell has a "DEATH WISH" (in all caps), and not a lot of people are talking about it. That's where we are?
25
57
4
265
I try not to judge people based on the way they like their meat cooked, but I can't help it.
66
12
1
222
Is it against the law to floss while driving? 🤔
125
14
5
149
Guess what?
127
8
4
102
My greatest accomplishment is I've never cracked my iPhone screen.
76
11
2
244
Empty Nester Update: 1) Occurrences of trash balanced on top of other trash to avoid emptying trashcan are down 100% 2) All cups accounted for and in cupboard
96
28
6
505
Anticipating the reaction to a tweet as I construct it and............DELETE.
12
1
65
I'm glad Twitter doesn't have those moving dots when writing a reply, like iMessage has when you reply to a text.
5
2
29
"Golf course" and "of course" rhyme yet, you rarely see them used together in poetry. 🤔
16
2
1
40
Is "Do you like existential questions?" an existential question? 🤔
39
8
1
67
Twitter needs an "I have no idea what you're saying" button.
73
29
5
472
October's a bad month to be a pumpkin. 😕
30
4
112
Is there a more inefficient way to have a conversation than Twitter? 🤔
87
12
6
155
Hey Jack, the refresh on Twitter is acting wonky again.
4
24